2011

I stopped making New Year's resolutions a long time ago. I can't think of the last time I did, actually. I'm not sure if that's because I'm lazy or if I disappointed myself one too many times by utterly failing to keep them or what.
For some reason, I am feeling the itch to make some this year. I probably won't spell them out here because more than likely they'd read like a laundry list of all that ails me and you'd want to reach through the computer, take my hand and lead me to the self help section of the nearest bookstore. Or to a therapist's office. (for what it's worth, I'd welcome both trips whole-heartedly and would go willingly - but who has time for that?!)

I've actually never been good at setting realistic, attainable goals for myself. I'm sort of in the Go Big or Go Home camp, but not it a good way. Like, I'll do 200 sit ups and be pissed that my tummy isn't flat when I'm done. Or I'll sit with a friend trying to teach me the basics of knitting and I'll want to scream in frustration when I can't whip up a hat at the end of the hour.

Patience is so not my virtue. Although quotes like "the longest journey starts with the first step" sound really lovely and unquestionably wise, that's not really my bag. If I decide to undertake a "journey" I'm more likely to do the splits (speaking metaphorically here, folks) trying to take the l o n g e s t first step possible, pulling all the muscles in my leg while doing so, and then decide I can't make that trip, and maybe I didn't even really want to get to that destination in the first place. Humph.

This is why, for example, we are coming up on a year of being in our rental house and we still don't have photos on the walls/books on shelves or the girls' playroom organized and functional. It's why I am still carrying a good 20 extra pounds. It's why Lilah's baby book is basically empty and my "filing system" consists of piles of paperwork here and there. It's why my Spanish is still very halting even though I was super gung-ho about brushing up my conversational skills not too long ago...yeah, remember that? It's why I don't go on auditions.

I suspect that somewhere along the line I developed a semi debilitating fear of failure, so that I rarely undertake anything which puts me at risk of not succeeding. It's such a vicious cycle. If I don't even try, how can I accomplish anything? The last thing that I really had some momentum on was my volunteer efforts for Jenny's Light and the MOMS program at El Camino Hospital - and I've basically fizzled out on both. I carry major self-imposed shame with regard to those short lived endeavors. *sigh*

So what am I getting at? I guess just that I want to have a good year. Whatever that means. I want to be a more mindful parent. I want to figure out how to get regular exercise back into my life. (it has been many many many years since I have done any consistent exercise. Yes, years!) I would love to figure out how to stop comparing myself to others. And it would be awesome to be cast in a show.

Okay, I'd better stop there. Wouldn't want to accidentally commit to anything here in the blogosphere. ;)