Friday, January 28, 2011

Sucker!

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of tired mommy-shopping-with-two-children weakness, when my 3 year old's eyes glazed over at the sight of a cotton candy confection tulle explosion of a dress, instead of saying "you know, we don't really need a dress for you right now, honey", I caved and bought two.

Total sucker.

(They were actually cheaper than flimsy Halloween costume dresses, and we have a family wedding coming up, but that's beside the point.)
It's scary how easy it is to justify these things! Sadie was practically drooling. She didn't whine or beg or demand. She kind of went into slow motion as she approached the rack. I don't think she even blinked as she stared, slack jawed and starry eyed at them. "Mom," she gushed, "they're so beauuuuuuuuuutiful!"

You get the picture. Anyway, they turned out to be just the thing for getting photos of the girls for the annual Valentine card that I like to send to some far away family and friends. Thanks, Aunt Andi!
It has not escaped my attention that I suppose we might "have to" start amassing some dress-up dresses. Apparently it's all part of totally healthy imaginary play. Just the other day, a mom graciously offered to let Sadie borrow the little mermaid outfit that she had on when I came to pick her up from her first drop-off playdate. I was not particularly happy about the arrangement because essentially it meant that Sadie had succeeded in getting what she wanted by whining and defying my objection, but I appreciated the gesture nonetheless. More to the point, they had to get on with their day and I'm pretty sure that watching our mundane and cliche battle of wills play out in their backyard was not on their agenda.

So yeah, it might be time to get a few dresses for pretend play. But seriously - someone slap me if I ever buy those little plastic high heels...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

2011

I stopped making New Year's resolutions a long time ago. I can't think of the last time I did, actually. I'm not sure if that's because I'm lazy or if I disappointed myself one too many times by utterly failing to keep them or what.
For some reason, I am feeling the itch to make some this year. I probably won't spell them out here because more than likely they'd read like a laundry list of all that ails me and you'd want to reach through the computer, take my hand and lead me to the self help section of the nearest bookstore. Or to a therapist's office. (for what it's worth, I'd welcome both trips whole-heartedly and would go willingly - but who has time for that?!)

I've actually never been good at setting realistic, attainable goals for myself. I'm sort of in the Go Big or Go Home camp, but not it a good way. Like, I'll do 200 sit ups and be pissed that my tummy isn't flat when I'm done. Or I'll sit with a friend trying to teach me the basics of knitting and I'll want to scream in frustration when I can't whip up a hat at the end of the hour.

Patience is so not my virtue. Although quotes like "the longest journey starts with the first step" sound really lovely and unquestionably wise, that's not really my bag. If I decide to undertake a "journey" I'm more likely to do the splits (speaking metaphorically here, folks) trying to take the l o n g e s t first step possible, pulling all the muscles in my leg while doing so, and then decide I can't make that trip, and maybe I didn't even really want to get to that destination in the first place. Humph.

This is why, for example, we are coming up on a year of being in our rental house and we still don't have photos on the walls/books on shelves or the girls' playroom organized and functional. It's why I am still carrying a good 20 extra pounds. It's why Lilah's baby book is basically empty and my "filing system" consists of piles of paperwork here and there. It's why my Spanish is still very halting even though I was super gung-ho about brushing up my conversational skills not too long ago...yeah, remember that? It's why I don't go on auditions.

I suspect that somewhere along the line I developed a semi debilitating fear of failure, so that I rarely undertake anything which puts me at risk of not succeeding. It's such a vicious cycle. If I don't even try, how can I accomplish anything? The last thing that I really had some momentum on was my volunteer efforts for Jenny's Light and the MOMS program at El Camino Hospital - and I've basically fizzled out on both. I carry major self-imposed shame with regard to those short lived endeavors. *sigh*

So what am I getting at? I guess just that I want to have a good year. Whatever that means. I want to be a more mindful parent. I want to figure out how to get regular exercise back into my life. (it has been many many many years since I have done any consistent exercise. Yes, years!) I would love to figure out how to stop comparing myself to others. And it would be awesome to be cast in a show.

Okay, I'd better stop there. Wouldn't want to accidentally commit to anything here in the blogosphere. ;)