out with the old...

Ah, New Year's Eve...
it used to be one of my favorite nights (excuses) to get all dolled up and go DO something.
This year it's just the same old-same old. I have done several loads of laundry, changed bedsheets, gone grocery shopping, tidied up the living room (x3) and have only just begun to think about taking Christmas down.

I cooked dinner for the girls and had to sit with them to make them finish their broccoli. Oh, how I miss the days they would willingly gobble up absolutely anything I served to them! I know they'll be back, but that's a tough one for me because seriously, all I want are healthy children. I guess I should just be glad that having Trader Joe's sparkling pomegranate juice with dinner was enough to put big grins on both of their faces and help them wash down the green stuff!

As I type, Andrew is finishing up the girls' quick blue bath (Santa brought bath water coloring tablets) and he will read a few books before a very early 7:30 bedtime. Lilah is having some serious sleep regression and we're hearing a lot of " I want milk, mama. All done sleeping now. I'm awake. Watch Charlie Brown. Watch Yo Gabba Gabba." at 2:15, 3:30, 4:25 AM lately. B R U T A L. Sadie will go down without a struggle. She's always been a sack rat and is still pretty in love with her 4 month old big girl bed. Plus she has a really cool new portable night light thing that makes being under the covers pretty darn fun. (thanks Grandma & Grandpa!)
The Chill Pill:
In lieu of a much coveted shower that I somehow thought I was going to squeeze in today, I just did my eye make-up and spritzed on my cheap perfume for the rest of the evening with my honey. We're having marinated tri-tip and potatoes with our broccoli. Woo-hoo! I didn't buy that highly rated $12.99 Prosecco for nothing!

Yesterday we did this:

we're thinking about putting in an offer on this sweet little seaside shanty

All jokes aside, I do need to acknowledge that this new year is going to be significant for me. I have to let go of something. Something big. I have been in a multiple-times-daily internal battle with my brain, heart and let's be honest: my evolutionary female biology - about having another child. This is a Big Thing To Be Putting on the Internet, but I don't have many followers, so whatever. I want (need) to be able to release this from the cage of myself and put it "out there":

I am done having babies.

*HUGE sigh*

Even having said that, I do know that I have to edit myself here because obviously this is extremely personal. Still, this is something that I've been carrying with me every single moment of every single day for a very long time. This is not something that I can force on my partner. We have had many talks and he has been as gentle and empathetic as he could without sacrificing his integrity. Essentially, we have both been waiting for the other to have a change of heart. Instead of dragging out my angst and risking the nose-dive into an ocean of resentment, I have made the decision to succumb to the "fate/God" factor that has been meeting my longing like a brick wall again and again and again.
I have to release this from my heart and soul in order to find my life and breath again. It has been far too consuming for far too long. I know there has to be a lesson in it. There has to be a reason that I'm not getting what I (think I) want. I want to embrace that lesson and that reason. It may not show itself in 2012 or 2013 or until I'm old and gray. All I know is that I have to - I simply must - believe that letting go of this will open up something in me that I didn't know was there.

I cannot express how much I wish to find out what the heck that is.

So, out with the old, in with the new. Bring it.