Pure Joy

Honestly, this kid radiates joy.

She does this funny audible inhale when she's excited, which is often. Her arms and legs go at a different speed than the rest of her body. She clasps her hands together and pumps them up and down, making a sound on the down-beat. She "sings" along to music in the car.

She doesn't laugh much, so we all get excited when she does, but she grins and shrieks with joy all of the time.
She loves dogs. She loves being in the swing at the park.


She loves to watch her sister. And I swear she wakes up early just to get quality time lying in bed with Mom and Dad, where she squeals, kicks, slaps our faces and grabs our hair and skin. Starting the day feeling the love from a being who simply cannot get enough of us is pretty hard to beat.


She does this hilarious high-pitched "singing" where she goes above her vocal register to just a whisper that we call Mariah-ing. Here's an example: http://www.vimeo.com/16869805

She certainly can make a noisy protest as well, but she mostly keeps us smiling and reminds us that life is really exciting and fun. Keep up the good work, kiddo. We love you soooooooooo much.

Deep thoughts, toddler version.

The other day while driving to visit our friends a couple of hours away, Sadie started asking "family tree" type questions. We've explained it before to her, but I think she's starting to understand a little bit better. She seems to get that Nana and Papa are Daddy's mom & dad, and Grandma and Grandpa are Mommy's mom and dad. She named all of her aunts and I explained that Aunt Jill and Aunt JoJo are Mommy's sisters. We told her that Uncle Justin is Daddy's brother and Uncle John is Mommy's brother. The one that seems to make her think deeply is that GG is Mommy's Grandma and is also Grandpa's mom. It seems fitting that that would be a head-scratcher for a three year old. I was thoroughly enjoying making these family relationship connections clear to her and the topic was genuinely holding her interest.
And then.
"Who is Grandma's mom and dad?"
Well, honey, Grandma's mom and dad have died.
"But why did they die?"
Well, they each died when they got very sick with a terrible disease called cancer.
Silence.
I turned around to see my sweet girl's lips turn down at the corners ever so slightly and did I detect a quiver? Yup. Then her big blue eyes filled with tears and, I kid you not, one fat tear rolled down her right cheek as she looked at me and said, "But I'm sad that Grandma's mom died!"

Oh, boy.

I reached back and held her hand and tried to fight the lump forming in my throat. I told her that it's okay to be sad when people die - that we feel that way because we care about them and we will miss them when they are gone.

But ugh - where to go from here? Do I get into talk of souls, spirit, heaven, angels? Do I even believe in all or any of that? I took a deep breath, which promptly caught in my throat and I barely got out "Well, babe - I believe that even though Grandma's mom and dad aren't here with us on Earth anymore, that they are still watching over us."
And I do. I do choose to believe that people's souls continue on after death. In what capacity, exactly, I don't know and I don't expect to ever know or understand. I think I buy into the idea of reincarnation/past lives/old souls, etc. but to be honest, I haven't done a huge amount of deep thinking on the topic.

I decided to leave it at that for now, shifting the conversation into telling her a little bit about Grandma's mom. I told her that she was a really special lady who I loved very very much. I told her that she worked in an ice cream parlor when she was a teenager and could make the most perfect ice cream cones ever. I told her that she had blue eyes and blond hair, like she does. I told her that I used to watch soap operas with her and that she used to take us grocery shopping every Sunday after church & let me ride in the cart. I told her that she used to have tons of costume jewelry that she let me and my sisters try on. She seemed to like hearing these details and I was pleased to have helped her feel a little better.

But the next day in the car, she asked "Mom, where do people die?"
Gulp.
I am all about answering all of her questions so that she knows she can always come to me when she wants the truth about things, but I didn't exactly know what to say. 'Cause let's face it - people can and do die pretty much anywhere and anytime. That seemed a little too real. So I told her that people die in different places; some get sick and die in the hospital, some die at home, and some can die other places too. She piped up that some people could die in the swimming pool if they can't swim (I must have impressed that upon her at some point during her lessons a few months ago).

This morning, I heard Andrew explaining to her that "everyone dies eventually" - she was at it again. I also heard him assuring her that most car accidents are minor and that people can get hurt but don't usually die - only in very bad ones - and that lots of doctors and scientists are working very hard to find a cure for cancer. You know, just some light, pleasant morning chatter over peach yogurt and peanut butter raisin toast. Why is death on her mind?!

I certainly didn't anticipate discussing cancer, drowning and car accidents with my three year old. I really would rather she not be worrying about this stuff yet. I suppose sharing all of this information with her could result in making her scared and troubled, but I am immensely glad that she is voicing her concerns, asking questions, and above all, exhibiting true empathy. I guess I feel like if we wisely handle how we share knowledge with her, we could potentially instill confidence in her as a prescient being. I realize that's a bit lofty and certainly idealistic, but how else can I approach my girl's curiosity about life itself?

We Love Nana!

Nana was here for two and a half weeks and we had a wonderful time. She managed to spend great quality time with both girls individually each day - as well as make at least one meal and wash all of our dishes almost every day. I seriously should have been taking notes.



She read dozens of books to them,
she shared her food with them,
she laughed and played with them,
she did a planting project with Sadie,
she made a Halloween dress for Sadie,
she babysat so that Andrew and I could have two (!!) date nights,
and she celebrated her birthday with us.
The woman runs circles around me; I kid you not. I know I've mentioned it before, but I seriously scored in the mother-in-law department. It's ridiculous.

We love Nana. We can't wait to see you at Christmas.

this is why...

...it sometimes bothers me when Sadie does fake, cheesy smiles.

because here's the real deal:

and here's a good one of Little Sister:

Artwork

(the Sun!)

(who knows what, but I like it)

Sadie has never been a kid who I "can't leave alone for 5 minutes" for fear of what she'll get do/break/spill/get into. Until now.

It started with "painting" her toenails with dry erase pen while I was busy with Lilah. So we had a talk and I asked her if she'd like to have her toes painted like mommy. I'm not about to take her to get a pedicure, mind you - but I parlayed this into a chance to have some special Mama-Sadie only time and used very pale, shiny pink on her toes. She was happy and I was satisfied. I'm so naive.

In just a few short days, we were at square one again, only she had graduated to painting her face with her watercolor paints - again while I was busy with Lilah. Textbook.

I realize that it's possible that she might be getting mixed messages, because we do have some special on-skin crayons that we've used in the past, and we did hire a face painter for her birthday, but I've made sure to explain that ink and watercolor paints aren't good for our skin and are only for paper. I make her repeat it back to me, with eye contact. (I am certainly deluding myself that this somehow makes a lasting impression, but here again is an example of my parenting style: winging it.)

On this occasion, I had set her up to paint in the playroom while I nursed Lilah. She came into the living room about 10 minutes later, her face literally dripping.

Hi mom.
Hi honey. Did you do some painting on your face with watercolor paints?
No. (drip, drip)
I think you did. You know how I know?
(shakes head no)
Because I can see it.
(eyes open wider and her hand shoots up to feel)

Busted.

On the one hand, the lying (or normal toddler embellishment, whatever you want to call it) irks me. On the other hand, I find it rather fascinating that she truly hasn't grasped the concept of cause and effect or action/consequence yet. She's innocent. It's our job to explain this stuff - ideally in a nonthreatening manner.

The other day, I caught her coloring in a few of her books. We had The Talk again. Only on paper. But not book paper. Maybe this really is confusing and unclear to her?

Yesterday, she went back to dry erase pens, but escalated it to her face. I think you can tell by her expression that I reacted a little bit differently.

A few days after that, she drew on her legs, feet and face with ball point pens. I wasn't calm, cool or collected that time.

I'm done talking. All pens and paints have been confiscated for now.

We'll stick to the school-sanctioned art projects, like these gems that have come home in the past few weeks:

But as luck would have it, we're attending a birthday party soon with a face painter again. Round and round we go.

Yesterday and Tomorrow

About a month ago I came across a prayer/poem that has been framed in my parents' house for decades. I read it. Then I read it again.

Two Days
There are two days about which
I never worry:
yesterday and tomorrow.
Those days belong to God;
so that leaves me only today.
It is only when we add the great burden
of worry about yesterday and tomorrow
that a person breaks down.
Leave these to God, my friend,
and live just one day at a time.

I thought to myself that I should look for opportunities to call on that principle in my day to day life. And the universe handed it to me.

Last week I completely tripped out when I learned that a friend of mine is also friends with what I can only call my nemesis from junior high. I literally sat dumbfounded at the computer for a couple of minutes - my mind transporting me back into my 13 year old self - the long forgotten stress and emotional hardship of being bullied and picked on quickening my pulse.

Yesterday.

How could this awesome woman I know have anything to do with her? What could they possibly have in common?

Turns out their daughters are BFFs at preschool. Mystery solved. Still, I was surprised by how stunned I felt when I saw that this person whom I totally dig is "Facebook friends" with a girl (now woman) who was beyond awful to me many years ago. I am all for social media - love it, mostly - but this particular incidence of it rocked my world a little.

Anyway, it got me thinking. Obviously, people change. Maybe time and motherhood have made this woman a nicer person? Maybe she's matured and evolved and now doesn't gang up with her friends to torment someone she doesn't like?
Maybe if I had seen her at my friend's daughter's 3rd birthday party (instead of being at the hospital giving birth to Lilah) we would have chatted politely like young mothers do at parks and playgrounds. Hell, maybe she wouldn't have even remember how she treated me. Or better yet (this is how my mind works) - she would remember and then meeting me via our mutual friend would trigger remorse and regret and she would be ashamed and apologetic.

Tomorrow.

I have made some new mom friends over the past few years and will (hopefully) make more. I can say with some certainty that most of them and I would not have run in the same crowds in our teens or even twenties, in some cases. I have no way of knowing if they were nice in junior high or not. I can only see who they are now.

Today.

It's really just an elaborate way of reminding myself to live in the moment. It's a lesson worth repeating. I can already think of about 3 other ways that it applies to me right now. I think I needed it.

big day over here...

Lilah is now sitting up

and

Sadie is using the "big girl" swing.